SO, right off the bat, lemme just say that I didn’t write this post for attention, or for the “are you okay?” or “if you ever need anything…” messages — this is NOT my intention. The purpose of me being as transparent as possible with this post is to allow people into the mind of somebody who is struggling daily with mental illness — specifically, in my case, anxiety and depression.
In any case, this past week has been a nightmare.
I’m not sure what triggered this chapter, but it hit + it hit HARD. I woke up one more and just felt like the wind was knocked out of me. It was Friday morning, but I had the day off because the doc wanted an extra-long weekend — 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️ fine with me!
My body did not want to move, but it did… aaaall the way to the living room + then I proceeded to plop on the couch. I wasn’t being lazy; I had all intentions of doing a couple of loads of laundry, getting the apartment clean + tidied up.. but nope. It wasn’t going to happen.
Instead, my inner bitch came out to play and I wasn’t having ANY OF IT. I was cranky, snippy, and the mood swings?!
Ohhhh baby, the mood swings were REAL.
I was SO very easily irritated. I was quick to snap and lose my temper. I would get SO angry that I’d want to punch + break things, but at the same time want to break down and cry. I wanted to be left alone + be cuddled at the exact same time. I slept more + more, but the quality of sleep was horrible. A simple question would set me off into a frenzy of thoughts that really had veered off onto a different path completely — and then I’d get caught up on those thoughts and my entire day would be ruined by something that wasn’t even real!
If you don’t suffer from depression, you might not fully understand how debilitating this can be. I’ll try my best to explain what it personally feels like, but I think this quote says it best:
Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die.– unknown –
Your brain basically shuts down on your body + you have no want, motivation or desire to do anything — like seriously, ANYTHING. The smallest tasks became the most daunting; a five-minute shower turns into a 15-minute shower, with five minutes of crying because you knocked over the conditioner and it dropped on your foot — you know, normal things to cry about.
Sometimes, depression is having no appetite for days + other days you want to eat all of the food in sight. There are days you’ll think the whole world is against you, and others where you feel like there is not one person out there who understands what you’re going through. You feel alone surrounded by a group of people.
You’ll be considered a “party pooper” or “lame” because you don’t like crowds + feel like everybody is judging you. You’d rather be alone, at home, probably in bed, where the only person judging you is your own mind. Because that’s what it does. Your mind will sabotage itself. I know mine does. And that’s when depression invites anxiety to the party and you have absolutely no control over your own thoughts.
You’ll begin to question what is fact and what is fiction. It doesn’t matter whether or not you have evidence to back up the truth, your mind will STILL find a way to believe the lies it’s created.
It’s fucked up.
Pardon my language — total potty mouth here, can’t help it! 🤷🏼♀️
Those who suffer depression have a hard time asking for help. I know this first hand, but I’m making a conscious effort not to shy away from the topic when people ask. My experience with depression may be different than yours, and that’s okay. We all process + handle situations differently, so depression will be different for everybody.
I’m not a doctor, but I’ve done my fair share of research + I’ve learned the most about depression + anxiety by TALKING about it with other people — friends, family, a LOT of doctors (well, like three 🤷🏼♀️). Being able to discuss my problems with people I trust has made dealing with this easier and much less stressful. I still have my episodes (like last week), but I know that when I come out of them I’m just that little extra bit stronger.