Okay, I’m jumping right into this + giving you the lead RIGHT OFF THE BAT: a nail salon injury left me with a WART ON MY FINGER. And it’s even more gross and embarrassing than you’d think it is. ??[Read more…] about WART THE F*CK?!
BEFORE I JUMP RIGHT INTO THE GOOD STUFF, READ THIS: A little less than a year ago I was working a job I absolutely couldn’t stand anymore and I needed to get out. It was beginning to turn me into a person I didn’t know. I was constantly angry, frustrated, and would often come home in tears. I just couldn’t stand being in that building any longer. The ironic part is, once I was done for good, I kind of felt like there was still something missing — even though I KNEW I wanted to not have that place be a part of my life anymore.
That’s when I found SeneGence.[Read more…] about SO, WANNA BE A BADASS LIPBOSS?
SO, right off the bat, lemme just say that I didn’t write this post for attention, or for the “are you okay?” or “if you ever need anything…” messages — this is NOT my intention. The purpose of me being as transparent as possible with this post is to allow people into the mind of somebody who is struggling daily with mental illness — specifically, in my case, anxiety and depression.
In any case, this past week has been a nightmare.
I’m not sure what triggered this chapter, but it hit + it hit HARD. I woke up one more and just felt like the wind was knocked out of me. It was Friday morning, but I had the day off because the doc wanted an extra-long weekend — ??♀️??♀️ fine with me!
My body did not want to move, but it did… aaaall the way to the living room + then I proceeded to plop on the couch. I wasn’t being lazy; I had all intentions of doing a couple of loads of laundry, getting the apartment clean + tidied up.. but nope. It wasn’t going to happen.
Instead, my inner bitch came out to play and I wasn’t having ANY OF IT. I was cranky, snippy, and the mood swings?!
Ohhhh baby, the mood swings were REAL.
I was SO very easily irritated. I was quick to snap and lose my temper. I would get SO angry that I’d want to punch + break things, but at the same time want to break down and cry. I wanted to be left alone + be cuddled at the exact same time. I slept more + more, but the quality of sleep was horrible. A simple question would set me off into a frenzy of thoughts that really had veered off onto a different path completely — and then I’d get caught up on those thoughts and my entire day would be ruined by something that wasn’t even real!
If you don’t suffer from depression, you might not fully understand how debilitating this can be. I’ll try my best to explain what it personally feels like, but I think this quote says it best:
Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die.– unknown –
Your brain basically shuts down on your body + you have no want, motivation or desire to do anything — like seriously, ANYTHING. The smallest tasks became the most daunting; a five-minute shower turns into a 15-minute shower, with five minutes of crying because you knocked over the conditioner and it dropped on your foot — you know, normal things to cry about.
Sometimes, depression is having no appetite for days + other days you want to eat all of the food in sight. There are days you’ll think the whole world is against you, and others where you feel like there is not one person out there who understands what you’re going through. You feel alone surrounded by a group of people.
You’ll be considered a “party pooper” or “lame” because you don’t like crowds + feel like everybody is judging you. You’d rather be alone, at home, probably in bed, where the only person judging you is your own mind. Because that’s what it does. Your mind will sabotage itself. I know mine does. And that’s when depression invites anxiety to the party and you have absolutely no control over your own thoughts.
You’ll begin to question what is fact and what is fiction. It doesn’t matter whether or not you have evidence to back up the truth, your mind will STILL find a way to believe the lies it’s created.
It’s fucked up.
Pardon my language — total potty mouth here, can’t help it! ??♀️
Those who suffer depression have a hard time asking for help. I know this first hand, but I’m making a conscious effort not to shy away from the topic when people ask. My experience with depression may be different than yours, and that’s okay. We all process + handle situations differently, so depression will be different for everybody.
I’m not a doctor, but I’ve done my fair share of research + I’ve learned the most about depression + anxiety by TALKING about it with other people — friends, family, a LOT of doctors (well, like three ??♀️). Being able to discuss my problems with people I trust has made dealing with this easier and much less stressful. I still have my episodes (like last week), but I know that when I come out of them I’m just that little extra bit stronger.
If you think your friends might be going through a depressive episode, reach out. Sometimes all we need to do is talk about it. I mean, we MIGHT just be complete assholes and push you away, but it’s still appreciated.
If you yourself suffer from depression and/or anxiety, feel free to reach out to me VIA Facebook or Instagram — I’m always around. ?
HOW ARE YOU?!
I know it’s been a while and all I’ve been posting about is makeup and beauty tips + advice, so I’m finally sitting down to fill y’all in on what’s been going on in my life.
FYI — don’t get all hyped up for a really intricate, cleverly written story.. it’s not super exciting. BUT, it’s made a significant dent in my life lately, so why not share?
PS. I’m also obsessed with really sassy + cheeky motivational quotes, so here are a few of my personal favorites right now.
The biggest deal, however, is a solid change in career —
I STEPPED AWAY FROM ACTING
I’m calling it “stepping away” instead of flat out saying I quit, and that’s because I’m not really sure if I did quit. I’ll always love the theatre, and my passion for the art of acting is never fully going to leave me, this I know for a fact. And I can’t realistically say I’ll NEVER act again.. so..
Anyway, long story short, the vibes I’d been getting from acting were all just negative. I used to LOVE getting an audition — prepping the sides, really diving into the character + pin-pointing every single little detail about them — but towards the end of that chapter of my life, getting an audition was more of a setback. I’d have to figure out if I could miss work, find someone to help me tape + edit a self-tape, and let’s face it, 98% of the time you DON’T book the role. It was becoming more stressful than fun, and it was time to step away.
I don’t regret my decision, and the door is never fully closed in my opinion, so.. we’ll see what happens, I suppose. For now, though, I’m so content doing what I’m doing and it’s been magically life-changing.
SO WHAT AM I DOING NOW?
I like to think that my full time job is running a blog (albeit, EXTREMELY POORLY over the last little while — yiiiiikes! ??) + lil beauty counter of my own! The gig at the doctors office is great for paying the bills and making sure I’ve got rent covered, but my heart belongs to my creative nature.
After attending a company training event a few weeks ago, it’s become more apparent to me that I really enjoy being my own boss. I’ve learned to fall back on my creative, artsy ways + problem solve to the best of my ability before asking for help. But, DAMN it feels good to solve problems on my own!
Plus, I can work from home. HELLOOOOO — NO BRAINER!
It’s helped me open my eyes and mind to so many things around me + make the proper changes to be able to fix things that didn’t bring me joy. I konmari’d my life — if it didn’t bring me joy, I got rid of it. That includes:
- Negative people: Nope! Vamoose! I purged my Facebook friends list and got rid of any bad vibes + my feed is so much more uplifting and positive now! #winning
- Negative workplace: I left the pub + began working at the doctors office to keep bills paid, but the best change I made was finding the one job I could do anywhere, as long as I have my phone and my internet connection.
- Negative thoughts: If I can train my mind to get rid of them, YOU CAN TOO. I was seriously the most pessimistic person until I realized that if I stopped to think about the positive side of things, it was never really THAT bad.
AND MY PERSONAL LIFE, YOU ASK??
Never better! ?
My boy + I still cuddle our kitty — and I SWEAR she likes him more than me sometimes, but, whatever. We’re really ready to move into our own place, decorate from scratch + finally get a puppy. It’s all so exciting + also SO FRUSTRATING to find a new apartment/house to rent that has everything we both want and is decently close to both of our jobs. BAH.
It’s really weird to be at that point in your life where things are going decently well + your head is above water and you’re floating without wearing those dreaded, pinching water wings. But, it really is the most rewarding feeling to find something you like doing + you’re good at, that makes you feel like a rockstar in the process.
It’s important to stay motivated even when you’re feeling the LEAST motivated in the world. (Trust me, my dude had to keep reminding me that my ‘blog post wasn’t gonna write itself’ — so rude, but it worked!) So find out what’s stopping you from being happy and SOLVE THE PROBLEM.
On that note, that’s it from my end. Like I said, it’s not that exciting of an update, but I’m so much happier + more confident in myself it’s stupid.